Sunday, January 17, 2016

Episode 14: The Dorks Awaken

The Geeks return from the internet dead and bring Bueno along for a feast of a chat all about the new Star Wars movie (what else would they talk about)? As usual, Sam is the grouch, Bueno is the heart of gold, and Matt talks too long.

Listen to this you should not, unless SPOILERS, you want...


  1. I had two major complaints against this movie. One you guys covered: the is the fact that it rehashes a lot of things from the original trilogy. The other is just that I thought the plot was a gigantic piece of shit.

    Star Trek into Darkness, another Abrams movie, often gets criticized for it's lackluster plot. I don't agree with that assessment in the slightest. I thought the narrative structure of into Darkness was relatively sound. It was a coherent story with a prologue in the beginning. Abrams has talked about how into Darkness had some great scenes and good performances, but with plot problems. I don't view int Darkness that way, but it is a perfect description of the Force Awakens.

    The events in this movie are random. They don't logically follow one another in a sequence or derive from the actions of a central protagonist, or even an assemble of protagonists. It is like Return of the Jedi in that respect. The plot of Return of the Jedi is also a gigantic piece of shit. I like Return of the Jedi and for a long time it was my favorite Star Wars movie, but from a narrative standpoint it isn't well constructed. In my opinion, neither is The Force Awakens.

    I didn't like that Poe Dameron came back. I wish that motherfucker would have just died. To me, Poe's return illustrates the entire problem with the movie. It made narrative sense for Poe to die. It would have increased the stakes and it is obvious when watching the movie that Poe was meant to die in the beginning. It made me roll my eyes and took me out of the whole movie when Poe came back. I can understand that they wanted the character to live because he was cool. I get that. What is unforgivable is that they didn't alter the plot to reflect that. They should have given more of an explanation as to how Poe survived or actually given him something important to do. That's what this whole movie is to me. It's a bunch of cool stuff meant to distract you from the fact that the narrative structure is a heaping pile of shit.

    The narrative is solid until Han Solo arrives, then this film devolves into being just a homage to the original trilogy. I do like some films that deviate from a traditional plot structure, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's just a random bunch of events, but that movie gives off the impression that the deviation is intentional, whereas this movie just strikes me as lazy.

    I find The Force Awakens to be a showcase of everything wrong with modern story telling. The main thing being my opinion that they neglected the narrative structure in favor of cool things. It seems like lately the idea has been to neglect the narrative for the sake of humor or the rule of cool when in reality you can have a strong narrative and all the cool stuff whilst adhering to the basics of plot structure. You could have Han Solo, Poe Dameron, and all that stupid nostalgia while at the same time having a plot that functions. I also think The Force Awakens lived up to all my worst fears. It has all the terrible things I don't like in sequels. It's just a little more entertaining than I originally expected. It provides the answer as to why there is no originality in Hollywood: because nobody actually wants that. We just want the greatest hits, what has been done previously taken to the extreme, not something new.

    People defend this movie's narrative shortcomings by saying it is merely a popcorn flick. The original trilogy is perhaps the ultimate popcorn flick. Yet, while they could both captivate us with impressive imagery, they could also, at least with the first two movies, provide us with an excellent underlying plot. Particularly Empire Strikes Back. That's what I wanted out of this movie, and I will freely admit it is because I am snob. I'm not even sure I'm right, but that's my honest opinion of this film.

  2. I would like to propose some changes to the movie:

    Firstly Maz Kantana. I wish she would just shut up and bake some muffins. Perhaps while she's at it, she could clean her place up a little bit. It's filthy. All Maz does is lounge around her house and collect antiques. Someone should explain to her that's not feminism, that's just being a lazy bitch. If she's not going to do anything useful or be the leader of anything, maybe she should just clean up and bake brownies, because that's something useful. Everyone likes their grandma. Both of my grandmothers took on typically feminine roles, and neither of them took any shit.

    Next, Kylo Ren, Han Solo, and Leia. I liked their roles in the movie. Kylo Ren killing Han Solo was my favorite scene, but I want more. I want flashbacks from Mr. Lost as to why Kylo Ren is evil. To me, the most logical explanation is Chewbacca. Can you imagine growing up with a Wookie in your house?

    Chewbacca has been Han Solo's friend for over twenty years. How do you think he would take some other creature becoming the main object of Han's attention? Not well. I'm sure that every time Han and Leia had sex, Chewbacca was watching in the corner and giggling. Think about how much that strains a marriage. You can imagine that after the birth of Ben Solo, Chewbacca started acting out. He starts going to the bathroom in the house and chewing up Leia's shoes. Eventually Chewbacca goes as far to actually dry hump Ben Solo to establish his dominance, and that is why Ben becomes Kylo Ren.

    Leia makes it clear that it is either her or Chewbacca, and Han Solo picks Chewbacca. Therefore they split up.

    I would have made Rey a hooker. She lives alone on Jakku and she gets by the best way that she can. This would be the reason why Han Solo helps Rey, because she keeps giving him hand jobs.

    For Finn, I say make him a revolutionary in the mold of Malcolm X. Finn rebels because he hates the man. He gets Poe Dameron to give him a lift to Jakku, they land without a hitch, and then Finn says, “Fuck you, whitey.” and pops a cap in Poe's ass. With his dying words, Poe reveals that he is Hispanic, and Finn repents. Finn decides to join the resistance because it's the only place in the galaxy where a brother move up in the world.

  3. I also would have put Emperor Palpatine in this movie. He survives being thrown down that shaft in Return of the Jedi, but decides that he would rather to retire than continue running the empire. Palpatine spends the movie hanging out on Naboo and writing nasty blog posts about how incompetent the New Republic is. Luke also spends most of the movie on Naboo, because he wants to bury the hatchet and get to know Palpatine better.

    Palpatine figures in his old age that he should spend more time getting to know Luke and Leia, and less time trying to kill them and being evil. Attempting to honor this goal, Palpatine takes Luke fishing. They catch a Gungan and then Palpatine shows Luke how to gut a Gungan with a lightsaber. Palpatine then remissnesses about how he used to go fishing with his own grandfather, and how they would slaughter Gungans just for their own amusement.

    Darth Vader would also be in this movie. Palpatine revives him and they hash out their differences. Darth Vader's main arc would be about him trying to get disability payments from the First Order. Navigating the First Order's Veteran's Affairs department is a bitch. Leia would also be constantly fretting about Darth Vader being an old man yet still trying to do yard work. Darth Vader would always be hurting himself while trying to clear brush and kill the Tusken Raiders which somehow got to Naboo and infested his basement. The Tusken Raiders would also bring the corpse of Darth Vader's mother with them and give him his seventh heart attack.

    C3PO would be back in the possession of Darth Vader. Vader would force C3PO to dress up like Padme and role play with him. My idea is for nothing sexual to happen here. It would just be like an episode of I Love Lucy. Really tame and banal house wife stuff. He would make C3PO praise his exploits in the Clone Wars and cook him pot roasts. Then Vader would compliment C3PO's cooking.

    BB8 and R2D2 would just sit around smoking pot with other astromech droids the entire movie. Snoke would be in the film, too. The twist would be that Snoke is actually six inches tall, and that's why he always makes himself look like a giant in holograms. Palpatine would stomp on Snoke and then eat him alive.

    Afterwards the main cast would engage in a huge dance number, and then the credits would roll.