Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Episode 13 Part 1: Trekkie Alien Wars

The Geeks discuss the future for some of their favorite sci-fi movie franchises, for better or worse.

Too Many Zooz © Limbo | Alien 3 score by Elliot Goldenthal © MCA Records | Star Trek: The Motion Picture score by Jerry Goldsmith © Columbia Records / Legacy Records | Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan score by James Horner © Paramount / Retrograde


  1. I too, have come around the joys of the bachelor life. For me, the moment I realized being single was for me was an incident that happened a few years back.

    I basically got shit faced drunk, blacked out, and then woke up the next morning on the living room floor. While I was blacked out, I apparently moved some objects in my apartment, broke some things, and vomited on the floor. No one nagged me about this or the mess I made, and I realized that this was pretty nice.

    I was able to decide we were just going to let the vomit on the floor go for a while. At least until the room stopped spinning and I could walk without feeling like I was going to dry heave. I understand that some women would just clean up the mess. I don't want that. Those type of women start to resent you at some point, and still nag about you being so drunk you passed out. I'm just glad I was able to postpone cleaning up the mess for a while.

    The same thing for a few months ago, I had a ladder fall on my head at work. I got a pretty good gash out of it, and when I got home I was glad I didn't have anyone nag at me to go to the doctor. I had a bad enough day without hearing all that shit.

    “If I wanted uninformed medical advice, I would have pulled up Web MD.” I would have had to say, “Now let me finish cooking this mac and cheese and watch Deep Space Nine in peace.” Then there would be an argument, and it would have just ruined the rest of the evening. I was also glad a few days later when I got vertigo to not have someone throw a shit fit over that. I was able to just pretend like I was watching TV on a boat and let it pass.

    My problem is the opposite of Sam's. I'm just a dick. I like talking to people, but just in small doses. After working at a job I hate, I just want to come home and be alone for a bit. Work on my comics, watch TV, and contemplate how much I hate life.

    I don't need someone to hate life with me. I'm cool with other people doing their own thing. It makes me happy to see well adjusted people who don't constantly angst. I just want to be able to do my own thing and without some asshole trying to cheer me up. When I want to be happy I drink vodka, and I don't do that often because I associate happiness with stupidity.

    Still, there are some advantages to a long term relationship. That's why I've devised a strategy which I believe will enable me to reap the optimum benefit from such an arrangement with minimal effort.

    The first stage is to accrue capital. That's always vital for getting women. Money is in real life what Axe body spray is in advertisements. Secondly, I have to find a women who was abused as a child. Not hard, every women I've ever dated was abused as a child. Only someone with emotional baggage would go along with my plan. The next stage is to make sure that woman is also a bisexual. Again, not too hard, because about a third of the women I've dated turn out to be lesbians.

    Now, at this stage, the relationship, it would be chaos, business as usual. Multiple arguments a day. Constant conflict. That's were the clever part of the plan comes in. At this stage I would introduce another woman fitting the same criteria to the mix and make it a three way partnership.

    I know what you're thinking, then I would just have to put up with two damaged women. Not so. You see, I would play them off against each other. Many a woman has accused me of being a psychopath and I figure I should embrace it. I would employ psychological methods to deepen their emotional bond and then let them hash it out. Let them be supportive of each other and do all this sappy bullshit.

  2. While they were doing that, I could be in the background going about my business. Then I could be around for the enjoyable, less drama fueled parts. I could reap the advantages of having people to help me around the house and having some built in emotional support.

    I said I would need capital because I figure it would be useful for leverage in negotiating this contract. I could agree to cover more expenses around the house and do more chores. A lot of guys complain about only being useful for being a money bag and doing the heavy lifting. I've come to realize that I take out my trash and pay my bills anyway. The only thing I'm missing out on is someone to help me with the bills and a subscription plan to someone's pussy. Right now I have to jump through hoops time I use one, and it eats up time not to mention funds.

    I also know a lot of lesbians now like the idea of having children, and the contract could specify that I could provide the semen. Not to mention a certain amount of child watching services so that they could still have date nights. The contract would also specify certain zones of the residence reserved for the exclusive use of each occupant. Mine would be an air conditioned shed out back where I would also make my lodgings.

    I figure a shed would work best because it would give me a measure of privacy, and somewhere to hide when guests come over and the lesbians wanted to look respectable. Like if their parents were to visit. I could just hide in my shed, or more likely in the bushes outside the window wearing a Ghille suit and making animal noises. I would also stipulate in the contract that I would be able to fuck people outside of the partnership and have several weeks of leave from the home a year.

    I think that having a third person would resolve much of the problems women have with my emotional coldness. If I wanted to skip out on a date night because her choice of movies is lackluster, it would be cool. No feelings would get hurt, I could watch Destroy All Monsters by myself, they could watch their sappy bullshit, and then as a group I we could watch Star Wars later. I could be free not to structure my life around the demands of a tyrant and reserve some privacy in my life. It could be cool to have my own thing outside of the partnership, but we could still enjoy some fun times and family vacations.

    It would also be fun to have a child, but be able to have the buffer of him just thinking I'm some guy who lives out in the shed behind his house. It could be like Santa Claus. Eventually he would figure it out and I would confirm that I am his biological father. Then I could mock him for thinking two lesbians could conceive a child.

    If it were a daughter, I could ask her why having a father of my personality type leads her to form destructive relationships later in life. I would tell her that she should become a therapist so she and I could solve this problem together and become wealthy. The she would ask, “Why would you help other guys get laid when you already got yours?” and I would say, “Truly you are my progeny, and I am pleased.”

    I almost wish Rick, the Cryptozoologist was still actively updating, because the above concepts would be a perfect for the comic. I think I might give this idea to Tearlache, a character who will be appearing in Vociferations sometime in 2015 or 2016. Tearlache is Rick's spiritual successor.

    So, to summarize Sam, date bisexual women, and then write me to confirm or debunk my hypothesis.